Every person is significant, important and of value and deserves to be treated with dignity, honour and justice

My review of  The Iron Lady ruffled some feathers as I was anything but sympathetic to the frail old lady portrayed in the film. It attracted positive and negative responses – but all friendly. My blog on Why I am a Welshman didn’t upset anyone but I was forced to issue a fatwah on my good friend Luke for his outrageous comments.

So last Saturday I read a claim in the Guardian that a drop in Tesco’s share price was ‘due to an answer to prayer’ for Stephen Green of Christian pressure group Christian Voice who protested outside shops last year after Tesco decided to sponsor the family area at London Gay Pride celebrations. I was angry about this as Stephen Green spouts absolute rubbish at the best of times, but to claim that God would answer such a vindictive prayer was insane and ludicrous.

As a result I posted that Stephen Green’s claims that God had judged Tesco were nonsense and that Green did more damage to Christianity than Hawking, Dawkins, Hitchens and militant Islam combined. What I didn’t expect were flames from my Christian friends quoting Bible verses: ‘Let him who is without sin cast the first stone…’ and various other personal attacks.

I’m pretty thick-skinned generally but this penetrated all my defences. I have worked hard for some years to build bridges between the Christian community in which I place myself and my many friends who don’t share my faith. Because I live and die by my equal opportunities statement above, I value all my friends equally. The friends who have touched my heart the most are those who formerly were part of a Christian group who have gone through divorces, or have come out as gay, or simply have lost their faith. They have been subjected to cruel, bitter, judgemental criticism by Christians and have been totally rejected. All of which is utterly contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ whom the critics claim to serve. When I read the comments on my status I understood how they felt: despised and rejected of men.

I suspended my Facebook account and have just resurrected it to give this explanation to my friends and to give myself some time to reflect and regroup. And what is the ultimate irony? I received three concerned emails from friends who had noticed I’d disappeared and were checking on me. Two of those people were gay and all three would identify themselves as atheists.

Gary Speed

In a week when sports fans throughout the UK were saddened by the suicide of Gary Speed, I could not believe what I was hearing on the BBC1 One Show when Jeremy Clarkson made tasteless, insensitive and grossly inappropriate comments about people who chose to end their life on a railway line. For some reason, the media only latched on to the comments he made about strikers, who were demonstrating that day and our newspapers and TV have reported on the huge offence he gave to the trades union movement, generating some 25,000 complaints to the BBC.

In his regular column in the Sun on 3 December, Clarkson continued his whining complaints, describing those who choose to jump in front of trains as “Johnny Suicide”. He went on to make outrageously offensive comments about the bodies of those who had died on the railway Clearly, Clarkson has not experienced the torment of someone whose life is so excruciatingly painful that they see no alternative but to bring it to an end or the pain of the relatives who blame themselves because they did not read the signs of distress.

Last Monday, another man took his life. That man was Roger Crouch from Winchcombe, Gloucestershire, father of a 15-year-old boy. Dominic Crouch, who had six months previously, jumped from the roof of a six storey building because he had been unmercifully bullied at school. Fellow pupils in Dominic’s Gloucestershire school had taunted Dominic, calling him gay. Shortly after Dominic’s death, Roger Crouch was quoted as saying,

“If Dominic had not been the subject of rumours that he was gay it is highly unlikely he would have taken his own life.”

Roger & Dominic Crouch

Roger became a tireless campaigner against teenage suicide and was awarded the Stonewall “Hero of the Year” award earlier this year. At the ceremony, he said,

“I see this as an award for Dom. By choosing us for this award you’ve also chosen to take a stand alongside all the young people whose lives have been ended by bullying.”

His wife Paola posted a moving piece in the Facebook page, Friends of Don Crouch against Bullying,

“I have the saddest news to give you. The love of my life and Giulia and Domi’s beloved Dad, died tonight. The changes you have started, for young people everywhere, the work you have done against bullying will remain as a towering monument to you. Our hearts break Roger, Domi, Giulia and I loved you so much.”

This is the reality of suicide that Clarkson has chosen to trivialise: three lives needlessly ended, two families devastated, many thousands of people who held Gary Speed in regard confused and distressed, the friends and families of Roger and Dominic shattered and distraught.

–oOo–

Useful support organisation related to suicide:

PAPYRUS UK Support organisation for teens thinking of suicide
Samaritans General support line
The Trevor Project USA Support organisation for gay, lesbian youth

Just before we set off I was handed a leaflet, ‘What to do if arrested’. Suddenly the reality of what I was doing hit me. I had no plans to break the law but could easily be included with a group less cautious than I am! When we left, I had been hoping we would be greater in number, carrying more banners, but I had my walking boots and waterproofs against the rain that set in at 2pm precisely, and was prepared for a two-hour march. Two minutes after setting-off we had crossed the busy road to Cardiff Castle – and we had arrived! Swiftly jumping down from the pavement to the grass alongside the castle, the group set up tents and started its first General Assembly – a key component of the Occupy movement – which allows anyone to speak.

The General Assembly

That was the point when the weaknesses of operating an egalitarian group began to show themselves. Hesitation over who was facilitating the Assembly, a loud-hailer which was not up to the task, people not shown how to use the loud-hailer, batteries that were quickly exhausted with no replacement; all leading to disappointment that we couldn’t hear what was said. It would have helped to have more banners, some musicians, and some rehearsed chants to make for better engagement of all present. I believe there is a lesson here – having leadership, co-ordination and reference to a model that works elsewhere does not detract from the aims of equality for all. My other disappointment was despite a Cymdeithas yr Iaith banner, I heard no Welsh spoken. However, I was glad to see a later Tweet that the protest was the first time the, “We are the 99 per-cent” slogan had been heard in Welsh.

The police stood round in ridiculously over-the-top numbers looking embarrassed. There were mounted police, ordinary officers, community support officers, police cars, vans and, I suspect, every demonstrator could have been allocated his or her personal officer. Sadly, those officers waded in shortly after I left for my long trek back to North Wales, to remove the fledgling protest and the tents and some arrests were made.

I was energised by the passion and commitment of the participants and will take my experiences back to the nascent Occupy Bangor group. Hopefully, there will be a clear backlash against this attack on peaceful protest and the first Welsh expression of the Occupy movement will re-emerge to declare “We are the 99 per-cent”.

My life has been very much like that jigsaw which has become difficult to complete because a key piece was removed at the time of my birth. I had a twin brother or sister who was undiagnosed before delivery and in the distant days of post-war obstetrics, my birth was very problematic, with the result that both my mother and I almost died. After I was delivered the midwife realised there was a second baby and that is all I know, other than he or she did not make it.

Interestingly I only learned of this situation when I was in my early 40s and my wife commented during a programme on twins on the TV, “Well, as a twin you would understand that feeling.”  I was extremely puzzled and asked her what she meant. My late mother had told her of the circumstances of my birth but had never told me! I queried this with my brother and sister who both commented that they were surprised that I had never spoken of it. Strangely, I had always felt a huge sense of something missing and when I qualified a counsellor, I specialised in counselling twins, followed anything about twins on TV or literature and always knew it was really important to get the names of twins correct.

Some years later I discovered a UK organisation, The Lone Twin Network (LTN) which exists to support surviving twins who have lost their sibling. I always felt that as my twin had died at birth, I would probably be less affected than other people but I have never been able to shake off the sense of loss that I felt. Because my father died when I was seven years old, I always put my sense of loss down to his death and my attempts form close friendships to combat loss and loneliness was due to his death. During my childhood and adolescence I was not at all close to my younger brother and sister or to my mother so we drifted apart when I was 19 and I hardly saw them for some years.

After over 60 years I decided to address the issue finally. I had been a member of the LTN for several years and even set up a website for them but had never attended a meeting. On Saturday I went to a LTN regional meeting and met with some 25 or so other surviving twins in central Manchester. Although about half those present had attended previous meetings, there was a slight tension in the room but gradually as members started to share their stories, led by the organiser of the event and the chair of the LTN — both are named Jill coincidentally — everyone relaxed. Although the stories were deeply moving the meeting never became mawkish or depressing. I was shaken by the number of stories from the surviving twins who, like me, had lost their twin at birth. Most significantly I began to recognise traits in myself that the others spoke of. For instance, several had experienced real relationship problems with siblings which sadly had continued throughout their lives. Fortunately I’m now quite close to my brother and sister.

The biggest light bulb for me was a realisation that the real closeness I have never been able to find in friendships is probably unattainable. The simple reason is I was trying to replicate the intimacy of a relationship with my twin. Many of you may feel that because I never knew my twin after birth and indeed had never even been told about my twin until the second half of my life, my expectations are unrealistic. I can only say that nine months in the womb is a long time in a very small place. All of the other birth-lost twins expressed a similar view.

The recurring theme that was expressed time and time again in the group was how helpful it was to be an environment where everyone understood the unique loss that is only experienced by a twin losing their sibling. Several spoke of other family bereavements but none came close to the total devastation felt at the death of a twin.

BBC TV carried a programme recently in a couple of English regions about the LTN which resulted in 400 immediate hits on our website and a large increase in membership enquiries. With one birth in 50 being twins, it is no wonder that the work of the Lone Twin Network is so needed.

For more information email: info@lonetwinnetwork.org.uk or web: www.lonetwinnetwork.org.uk

Jamey Rodemeyer

It’s not easy writing a blog with leaking eyes that make the keyboard wet and the screen out of focus.  Yet again, I’ve read about a teenager who found the relentless bullying of his peers so unbearable, on 18 September 2011, he took his own life. Jamey Rodemeyer was 14 years old. He had written extensively of his pain and hurt on internet sites and students at his school added to his-face-to-face bullying by continuing the process online.

Jamey wrote on his Tumblr site on 9 September, ‘I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. What do I have to do so people will listen to me?’  The day before died, he wrote: ‘No one in my school cares about preventing suicide, while you’re the ones calling me fag and tearing me down.’ The same day he posted online it was National Suicide Prevention Week. But still no one listened.

His mother Tracy Rodemeyer said that her son had been questioning his sexuality over the last year and that his fellow students picked up on it and used it to taunt and bully him.

Stories of people, so desperately distraught and isolated that they see no way forward but to take their own life, always distress me profoundly. I’ve never experienced severe depression so I find it difficult to understand the unbearable agony they’ve experienced. Yesterday, this was brought into sharp focus when my daughter-in-law arrived with our three grandchildren to collect my wife to go to a kid’s club. My 3 year-old grandson Logan’s face lit up with delight when he saw me, “Hello, Taid. Are you coming with us?” I felt so privileged and loved at that moment but when I went back into the house I thought about this blog that I was forming in my mind. How could I be sure that Logan would always feel the security and safety with his parents, grandparents and friends as he gets older and experiences the questions of youth and adolescence?

It made me undertake a personal commitment to my family, my friends and even people who are really just acquaintances that I would be there to listen and give non-judgemental support. I’d seek to keep my ‘antennae’ sensitive and finely tuned in coming days.

Vigil at Jamey's school

I spent a harrowing couple of hours researching teenage suicide on the internet but I’m not going to reproduce any of the statistics. Just one suicide by a teenager who feels their life has no value and nobody listens to them is one precious life too many that is lost.

Before I go on to bring some hope, I need to say how alarmed I was to find easily, sites that discussed suicide and even chat rooms. According to Papyrus, a UK group founded in 1997 to prevent young suicide, internet sites have ‘played a part’ in 39 known cases of suicide among young people.

One of the best movements of hope that has emerged in recent years is the “It Gets Better” movement which has a huge number of videos on YouTube made by people who had experienced bullying and were able to say eventually, it gets better. The movement emerged after a moving speech was given by Joel Burns, a Fort Worth, Texas Council member. Do take a few minutes to watch it on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4 The YouTube “It Gets Better” videos include contributions by ordinary people, the great and the good, and videos by groups of employees from corporations like Apple, Google, Microsoft, Adobe and Sony – all moving, all important.

I’m going to take some risks in the days ahead because I’ve lost two adult friends to suicide. If I feel I’m seeing the danger signs of deep depression in someone, then I’ll do all I can to make that person feel safe and supported even if they accuse me of interfering. I’m going to support organisations like the Papyrus project in the UK and the Trevor Project in the USA. In the UK there is a helpline: HOPELineUK on 0800 068 4141 and in the USA 1-866-488 7386.

If you know someone who needs help; be an ally, be a friend, don’t stay quiet – help them.

The boys rebel - scene from the film

John Keating (the charismatic teacher played by Robin Williams) encouraged the boys in his English Literature class to think for themselves and be self-reliant, not following the crowd. Today, as in the 50′s when the film was set, we live in a society where social pressures to conform result in youngsters making poor choices out of fear of standing out and we are fed attitudes about sections of society by fascist newspapers like the Daily Mail which perpetuate stereotypes and reinforce prejudice. Keating quoted lines from several American poets including Robert Frost, Walt Whitman and Henry David Thoreau which I realised I had absorbed over the years.

Here are some examples:

“I went down to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” (Thoreau)

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference. ” (Frost)

I found my ‘woods’ when I discovered hiraeth¹ and came home to Wales. Ever since, I’ve been shaking off, trimming, refining, pruning, exploring, immersing, enquiring, developing, destroying, building and undertaking new things I would never have dreamed of before. Biggest change has been putting 46 years of an active Christian faith under the spotlight. Out of that reappraisal, review, refining and reassessment has emerged a new core set of beliefs and values. They boil down to two things; God loves me and relationships are the most important thing in life. Maybe more of that in a future blog.

My taith² has changed direction and I’m planning to make sure I suck the marrow out of life for the years that remain for me. Probably, the most memorable line from the film to me was, “Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary…”  That’s what I’m planning.

Oh, and why the title to this piece?  Back to the film. Keating introduces himself to the class saying, “O Captain, my Captain. Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring, O Captain my Captain.”

So from now on, I’m happy to be called Paul but will answer happily to O Captain my Captain!

–oOo—

¹ Hiraeth – Another Welsh word with a complex meaning. It is about a profound longing, a homesickness and most importantly, a deep connection to the land of Wales.¹

² Taith – Welsh word meaning journey. But not just A to B, it means trek, adventure, quest, voyage and all that happens along the way.

Reviewing the list, I realised there were a few common themes, some of which overlapped: the USA Civil Rights movement, social justice, Wales, people who had influenced my Christian faith and people who had personally interacted with me.

Of course, Martin Luther King has to be in the Civil Rights movement category. His leadership changed the lives of millions and generations continue to be inspired by his speeches. I am also comforted by the fact that he was deeply flawed in some aspects of his life – just like all of us. I salute Rosa Parks, the black woman who refused to obey a bus driver’s order that she give up her seat to make room for a white passenger. She has been described by the US Congress as “the mother of the freedom movement”. Her courage sparked the Montgomery Bus Boycott which led to a United States Supreme Court decision that declared the Alabama and Montgomery laws requiring segregated buses to be unconstitutional.

Addie, Cynthia, Denise & Carole Robertson

Two 60′s folk singers continue to inspire me. Pete Seeger has always embraced justice and his commitment to socialism and to civil rights has given us some of the finest songs of the 20th century. Joan Baez‘s songs inspire and touch raw emotion in me with their profound depths.

Nelson Mandela‘s name will be no surprise to you in my Social Justice category and his work well chronicled. My greatest admiration of Mandela is focused on his “Truth and Reconciliation Commission” which prevented a blood-bath and ensured a smooth transition to black majority rule. Changing continents again, in my view the greatest Welshman was Aneurin Bevan, a lifelong champion of social justice and the rights of working people. Nye Bevan was the architect of the National Health Service which made free health care available to everyone. He makes me proud to be Welsh.

William Wilberforce

John Newton was an amazing man. Slave-trader turned preacher, he not only wrote the words of the world’s most popular hymn, “Amazing Grace” but, even better, “How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds”, my favourite hymn. Then, my favourite Christian author, Brennan Manning, changed my life completely with his simple but deeply profound message. Read , “Abba’s Child” and be blown away.

Two further inspiring Welshmen on my list: Owain Glyndŵr, last native-born Prince of Wales. who led an uprising against Edward I, 600 years ago and Simon Weston, a former soldier who suffered horrendous burns during the Falklands War and whose recovery and subsequent charity work is remarkable.

Fiona Castle

Lyndon Bowring

Another disappearing resource is the local paper. One of my close friends is a senior reporter on a Surrey local paper whose future is particularly rocky and he’s been drumming up support for his paper via social media like Facebook and Twitter. I’m sure the irony is not lost on him that he’s using the very media that are killing local papers.
The loss of local papers contributes directly to the fragmentation of our communities, as they often represent the only method of communicating the social life of towns and villages. North Wales is a collection of small towns and villages and the only two ways of letting people know about events are by roadside banners or via the local papers.

Roadside banners are common but they only have a dozen words maximum and I’ve frequently had to pass a banner or a poster in a field three or four times in the car before I get all the information. We have a couple of local papers, both part of the insidious Trinity Mirror group that gobbles up newspapers with an eye to the profit bottom line rather than serving its readers. The standard of journalism in these papers is dire and lead stories are invariably about people doing charity walks/bike-rides/swims etc in memory of a loved one who sadly died in a car crash.

As awful as the standard is, I still buy them to read, hidden among the conservatory and double glazing ads, the news of fêtes, festivals and farmers’ markets. People like community life but don’t know how to do it sometimes. The recent royal wedding inspired street parties and other celebrations which were hugely successful. Newspaper proprietors investing in their journalists, engaging with their communities and with non-print social media could breathe life into our communities again.

These numbers are incomprehensible to ordinary people like me and I’m completely bemused by the greatest and the best economists, bankers, politicians and academics who between them haven’t got the faintest idea of a) will the Euro survive?; b) will Greece remain in the Euro-zone? and c) will Portugal, Ireland, Spain and Italy go the same route?

I was a great advocate for joining the Euro and have always been a committed European. However, I shudder to think about the Euro at the moment and the EU now presents as a bureaucratic, cumbersome and over-involved monolith. Ted Heath took us into what we then called the Common Market in 1973 and gave the UK its first-ever referendum in 1975 when 67% of us voted to continue membership. Almost certainly today, another referendum would produce the opposite result as we have become increasingly euro-sceptic. It’s a side of the British character that I find depressing as the benchmark is “Blow everyone else, I want what’s best for me.” Some would say that was reasonable but I was profoundly dismayed by TV vox-pops when David Cameron said he would maintain overseas aid (one of the few times I’ve ever said anything positive about him!) but all the public interviewed effectively said, “Bugger foreigners, charity begins at home.”

Then you have the Daily Mail brigade with knee jerk reactions against disabled people, who, we are told, are all scroungers; and against immigrants who apparently are presented with council houses as they clear customs and immigration and immediately are given Good British Jobs which should be, of course, reserved for Good British Workers.

I haven’t kissed my brains goodbye but I simply don’t agree with all these widely-held beliefs. It’s easy to find examples of people exploiting the system but we must continue to care for those at the margins – unpopular or not. That, to me, is a no-brainer but the merits of our alliances make me reach for my Ladybird Guide to Life. Somebody described Britain as becoming a “Johnny No Mates” with our xenophobic (foreigner-hating) attitudes and having at best a tenuous relationship with the USA who are even more insular than we are.

I don’t have all the answers that the average Sun reader seems to know instinctively and knowledgably. Sadly, I don’t have that Ladybird Guide but one thing I know without the help of any guide. Every person is significant, valuable and loved by God and deserves to be treated with justice, dignity and courtesy.

The reality of British politics is that there is a substantial proportion who would never change their vote. Dedicated left- and right-wing voters are immovable, although the traditional Tory core has seen a drift to the lunatic fringe UKIP and BNP. All parties are fighting for the support of voters who have broadly political centre views and are the real prize.
The problem is that, despite the screams of activists that their parties are not left/right-wing enough, people are clear what they want and it’s not extremes.

Here’s my magic bullet to solve Labour / Tory / Lib Dem / Plaid / SNP woes. BNP and UKIP are irredeemable!

1. Don’t come up with yet another reorganisation of the NHS/ Criminal Justice system/Local Government/Police/Schools. Every attempt since the early 70s has been a disaster.
2. Commit yourself to supporting elderly people and to protect society’s most vulnerable members. There are abuses but don’t believe everything the Daily Mail says (actually, anything it says).
3. Get a grip on immigration and find out where we really are. Develop an immigration policy that is humane, sensible and, above all, deliverable.
4. Develop economic policies which are less about party philosophies and more about real needs, drawing on a broad spectrum of advice from economists, the financial sector but ensure that unions and representative groups’ voices are heard.
5. Start demonstrating integrity in your party leadership and among your wider elected members. The electorate no longer has any trust of politicians and need to have faith restored. Expenses scandals, promises breathtakingly reneged upon, self-advancement and dubious morality have caused all respect to be lost.

I admit I’m not open to changing my party loyalty but if my party and the others want power then they need a new vision with integrity and politicians that put their country and its people before personal advancement.